by Sara Lafreniere

It was a warm weekend in August. Chandler was on a vacation with his aunt to the mountains in New Hampshire. They were staying in a cabin near a local resort. The sun reflected off the warm wooden floors that flowed into the cedar log walls. The huge bay window opened up to a view of tall mountains and green trees for miles. The smell of pine needles and the fresh summer breeze filled the air. This isolated getaway provided a pure environment that contrasted with their typical hectic lives. Chandler was an eleven-year-old boy, eager for companionship and joy. His eyes gleamed with excitement for the hikes and gondola rides that awaited him that weekend. His aunt often took him and his sister, Cameryn, away for the weekends to allow them to enjoy adventure like average young children. However, this weekend wasn’t full of all the happiness they had anticipated.

When Chandler and his sister went away with their aunt, their parents would always call to say goodnight to them. That night, their parents called as usual. Cameryn said goodnight to her mom and dad without any worry, assuming she would see them in a few days after her fun-filled weekend. Chandler then said goodnight to his mom with a gap-toothed smile, but the mood changed when it was his turn to talk to his dad. His dad’s voice was shaking as if he was trying to hold something back. Tears began to stream down his face and Chandler could hear the sniffling through the phone. With a deep inhale, his dad whimpered, “No matter what, always know that I love you.” As a young child who was used to constant conflict at home, he thought nothing of the distraught behavior.

The next morning, the piercing ring of the telephone woke the family. Chandler’s aunt answered the phone and after a brief moment her face turned white like the first snowfall on a winter evening. She hung up the phone as her blue eyes glistened with the tears of heartbreak. She was generally a strong woman, so Chandler had never seen her cry. He knew something was terribly wrong as she leaned her head into her hands and sobbed hysterically. She made them pack up their bags immediately as Grammy was on her way to pick up Chandler and Cameryn. He knew something was going on, but no one would tell them. His aunt kept saying that he had to wait until he was home with his mom. How could he sit through a two-hour car ride home weeping with anxiety? He begged his family to tell him what was wrong until they finally broke down. His dad had committed suicide.

Chandler’s first thoughts were to blame his mom. Throughout his childhood, his mom was not faithful to his dad. The first instance of this was when his mom starting having an affair with his dad’s best friend. Chandler was only nine years old, but was fully aware that this was going on. His dad knew his mom was sneaking around so there was constant arguing going on in their home. Most of his memories from his childhood involve him lying in his bed listening to the soul crushing screams of his parents as their marriage fell apart. He was put in the middle of this because his parents believed he was ignorant of the affair. When his dad would go to hockey practice, he would ask Chandler to call him if his friend came over. Most parents believe that children do not understand what is going on at that young of an age, but Chandler did. He was never shielded from the pain and cheating so he knew exactly what he was watching out for. Chandler knew his dad was heartbroken over his mom choosing another man over him and he knew his mom didn’t care. He thought if his mom never made this decision, his dad would still be here.

Chandler’s mom and dad had been using drugs together during the years prior to his dad’s death. These drugs took over their life and left no room for parenting. Most of their days involved sitting on the couch getting high while ignoring their two school-aged children. Chandler had to take care of himself and be a parent for his younger sister, Cameryn. At the age of ten, he was making dinner for his sister and making sure their laundry was clean. He had to ensure their survival because he knew his parents were too preoccupied to notice. Their drug use eventually led to bankruptcy and they had to sell their house. Their only option was to move in with their grandparents, forcing Chandler and Cameryn to be uprooted from the lives they had grown accustomed to. His parents had no money so his mom’s only choice was to aim her promiscuous behavior towards drug dealers as if she was trading herself for a fix. Chandler began to feel worthless because his parents put the thrill of being high over the love for their children.

But he didn’t truly think it was entirely his mom’s fault. He had a great deal of anger and blame towards his dad. He didn’t understand how his dad could take his own life and leave him without a father. Despite how rough their marriage may have been, shouldn’t Chandler and Cameryn have been more of a priority? He felt abandoned by his father like a box of old toys thrown away by a teenager who out grew them. This changed his whole experience growing up. At hockey practice, he had to tie his own skates while his teammates had help from their dads. He didn’t have his dad at family gatherings anymore. He watched his cousins grow up with the guidance of their fathers that he never had. He went to friends’ homes and saw how an average family lived. Their families would sit at the kitchen table together and eat a home cooked meal. Chandler never got to feel that completeness because his dad made the choice to leave them. He had this empty space as if his glass would never be quite full.

Chandler even began to blame himself. The last conversation he had with his dad haunted him everyday like a nightmare, “No matter what, always know that I love you.” He felt that he was given a blatant sign that his dad was not doing well. His dad was living at his grandma’s house at the time, so he easily could have called her and let her know what his dad said. If his grandma knew that his dad was upset, would he still be here today? Chandler felt that his disregard for this conversation allowed his dad to die that night. If he had stepped in, would his grandma have been able to save his dad’s life? He lived everyday after his father’s death with regret. The hindsight bias loomed over his head like a dark storm cloud that dampened all of his days.

Blame and tragedy go together like a hammer and a nail. When something bad happens, we always want to believe that it is someone’s fault. We believe that things do not go wrong by accident, but instead are caused by the error of someone. If something does fail, we think that it could have been prevented if someone stepped in. Blame allows us to take the pain and put a cause to it. It gives meaning to the terrible events that we face in our lives. It takes away the questions of why this tragedy happened to me by giving it a cause. Does placing the blame on someone really alleviate the pain of tragedy? Chandler blamed his mother, father, and himself as a way to cope with his tragedy, but he still lives with pain from the loss of his dad every day.

This blame and guilt was held inside for nearly ten years. It began to eat away at him like a parasite looking to destroy any glimpse of joy. Chandler had been experiencing feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness all this time without knowing how exactly to handle it. It was easier when he was a child, but as he grew up and tried to navigate into adulthood without a father figure, his depression began to pull him under like quicksand. He was left so empty that he wondered what there was even left to live for. He didn’t want to spend time with friends and he was distant from family. Eventually, he stopped showing up for work. He worked for his uncle, so generally he was given more slack than other employees, but this was different. He hadn’t come in to work for a week, and never called with an explanation. His uncle noticed the steep decline and confronted Chandler about his situation. Chandler freed his emotions for the first time like a river being released from the pressure of a dam. He knew he needed help and his family was there to help him find the right therapist.

She was an older woman in her sixties, but very welcoming. She looked at him over her small brown glasses, more intrigued than a baby with a pair of car keys. Her office was small, but very inviting. It was the fifth door on the right of a long skinny hallway. The walls were pink and covered with colorful paintings. She played upbeat music in the background and invited all her patients to sit on the plush green couch. The bright décor of the room contrasted with the dark stories that were often shared within it. She was soft spoken and takes in all the information she is given. She made him feel that he could share all his opinions, cry from the pain, or even laugh at the bright moments. It was the first time he was able to free himself from the pain he held inside. He was given hope that he may be able to someday fill the empty space his dad left.

I imagine that Chandler is only going to continue growing from this trauma. Letting out his emotions opened his eyes to everything he had learned. He values the presence of loved ones so much because he knows that they can be taken away at any moment. He looks forward to the day that he can be a father, very much unlike the father he had. He longs to provide his family with everything he didn’t have as a child. He hopes to fill the emptiness that his dad left with the love of his own children that he can be there for unconditionally. Although Chandler’s glass may seem half empty without his dad, there is still so much left inside to enjoy.